10 Ways to be a Better Father / Fatherhood for New Fathers

Mentor and Guide Your Children

Yes, this is a very fortuitous time to write this. My older son who recently turned 16, received his driver’s license and within 5 days, through extenuating circumstances, drove our car into a curb causing about $1,000 in damage. If there is ever an opportunity for enlightenment, this was perhaps one of those times…

So, perhaps now is the BEST TIME to present my list of the TOP TEN WAYS to be a better father. If you are a NEW father, perhaps these insights you can guide you along your path. I of course have not mastered the art of fatherhood, and I am not sure that anyone has for we can all be a little more loving, a little more patient, and perhaps even a little more communicative. In some ways this could apply to being a better mother as well, but in a number of respects it is different. Have no fear, that post is coming soon.

1. Spend Quality Time Together – it has never been about the quantity of time shared, but is always about the quantity. The memories we maintain about our parents aren’t the result of the thousands of hours spent together, but of the specific and significant moments that were burned into our memory forever, those that shaped us and our future.
2. Be Patient – Guiding our children does not happen overnight. We want our sons to become strong, kind, and successful, and our daughters to become loving, affectionate and at the same time in their power…but it doesn’t happen all at once…it happens over the course of one’s life. Be patient to let your child become themselves, you cannot force it.
3. Let Them be Themselves – Don’t guide your child to be like you, don’t try to control them…let them find themselves, their truth. Allow them to be authentic, even if they don’t become the type of person you expected them to be…let them be themselves. Give them space to create their life.
4. Choose your battles – You will never win by being right…you will only win by creating the space for love and closeness. Connection is more important than being right…we teach best through example.
5. Be a Role Model – Pace yourself, teach one thing at a time. Often due to our closeness, and the fact that our children share our stubbornness…we must teach not by teaching, but through the choices we make and the path we lead. We share by leading and guide by pointing out the subtleties of a life committed to growth and service to others.
6. 

   My Own Role Model

   Trust and have faith – let them take risks. We grow by pushing our boundaries, by facing our fear and being courageous, and by standing up for what we believe in. Believe in your child; let them know that you have faith in their abilities. Most importantly, allow them to fall…don’t worry, they will learn from their mistakes just as you are given the opportunity to learn through yours.

7. Let them make mistakes, but be there to help them up. I guarantee you – they will make some incredibly stupid mistakes, some that even remind you of your childhood – but they will need you to stand by and guide them. As a child will often need to burn him or herself before they become afraid of fire, or needs to fall before learning how to get back up, we must let our children fall so that they have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes.
8. Express yourself, your appreciation, your pride and your love. Tell them how proud you are of who they have become, and of all of the things they have done in their lives. Find the things to appreciate and make you let them know…on a regular basis.
9. Listen – you don’t need to fix everything, nor can you, but you can be a good listener and make sure your child feels heard. If we close our mouth long enough to listen, we might just understand our children, who they are, and how we can best support them.
10. 

    Father Son Love Affection

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE – freely without judgment. Love is the reason you are a father. Love for your child is the reason you are even reading this. You can never say “I love you” or express your love too often.

Our children are very impressionable, regardless of how stubborn or impulsive they may appear on the outside. It is not always so much what we say but who we are that they learn from. Perhaps if we can learn to be better fathers, we can provide our children with the tools so that they can help to create a better world for all of us.

I hope you find these helpful…feel free to comment below and add additional ones!

2 Website Comments

• 
  Deborah Stefani August 5, 2009 at 3:00 pm

  Leadership in quality father parenting, as you describe in this post is more than needed to be shared. I just shared your post with my son and daughter-in-law who have been doing a great job of parenting their 10 and 17 year old boys. It never hurts to give parents a pat on the back for extending unconditional love to their children. Thanks for thoughtful post.
• 
  davidchernoff August 5, 2009 at 6:38 pm

  Deborah, I truly appreciate your feedback…it really is about unconditional love and sometimes we all need a little pat on the back for a job well done – your son and daughter in law are luck to have you. Thank you for the reminder and happy parenting.