9 Guaranteed Ways to SUCK in Life

The self-help industry is estimated to be over 10 BILLION dollars. There are a million self-help books in this world to instruct you on how to be a better person, but for those who choose a different path, I realize that there is not a lot of information to help you along your journey. So, allow these tips to be an ode to your commitment to truly suck in life.

1. First and foremost, care for yourself! You are the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in this world. Just be selfish and let everyone else take care of you. No need to say thank you when someone holds the door for you, or to care for or complement your spouse…this world REVOLVES around you…everyone on this planet is here to cater to YOUR every need and desire, and the best part is that you don’t have to do ANYTHING for them! Live to receive and your life will be full of whatever you desire in life! No need to hope or pray, just go into the world and take what you inherently deserve. Pay no attention to that sense of “reason” inside of your mind…that was implanted within you by outside influences. Take what you want and ignore everything else.

Hardee's Monster Egg Breakfast Heart Attack Special

1. Eat whatever you want! Eat excessive amounts of processed foods, bread products, pizza, fast food, and for goodness sake fry as much of your food as is humanly possible. As restaurant portions have gotten bigger over the years, you can now eat twice as much food for the same price. Go to all-you-can-eat restaurants and pace yourself…you can eat more than you think! Drink LOTS of soda! Just because they sweeten diet soda with chemicals doesn’t necessarily mean it’s BAD for you does it? Don’t believe those “medical” studies that show how Aspartame causes cancer! It can’t cause cancer in everyone can it? And don’t worry, with socialized medicine right around the corner, you can clog your arteries, get diabetes, and even if you do get cancer, the government will be there to bail you out and give you all of the drugs and pharmaceuticals you need.
   • Looking to start your day off right? Are you looking for the most UNHEALTHY breakfast sandwich in America? Look no further, for the Hardee’s Monster Biscuit cannot be beat. Over 700 CALORIES! This behemoth contains nearly a full day’s worth of sodium and saturated fat!
   • Need a good follow-up? Go to the Heart Attack Grill! Have yourself a quadruple bypass burger, followed by flatliner fries deep fried in pure lard, and you’ll be livin’ in hog heaven!
   • Need some additional help and recommendations for the unhealthiest foods to munch on; here is a comprehensive list highlighting the 100 unhealthiest foods in America. Go get ‘em!
2. Whatever you do, don’t exercise! Why bother, what’s the point? Show off those love handles and your sexy (it looks like I’m pregnant but I’m not) stomach. I highly recommend that you use one of those power scooters when shopping at the supermarket, because nothing gets those pesky health freaks out of the way like a motorized shopping cart. Whatever you do, don’t take walks outdoors, or worry about losing weight. Remember, there is always liposuction, stomach stapling, and appetite suppressors if you ever decide that what you look and feel like on the outside actually matters to you.
3. Blame everyone for your problems and enjoy your life! Don’t take responsibility for your decisions, because, if we can speak freely with each other for a moment, we both know that it’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault. Blame your parents for raising you wrong, and your kids for not cooperating. Blame your boss for not promoting you or paying you enough, and for making you get up obsessively early for work. Blame your spouse for not taking care of the house, and not giving you what you deserve. Show the world what you are entitled to!
4. Smoke when you want and where you want, and help the economy in the process! With every pack of cigarettes you purchase, more than $1 goes directly into the government’s coffers. The more you smoke, the sooner you will die, and the better it is for social security and Medicare. A dedicated 30-year-old smoker can expect to live only for about 35 more years, until he or she is 65 years old. Isn’t that more than enough time? No need to receive your share of social security or Medicare, leave that to those pathetic granola eating, vitamin taking, exercising tree-huggers who actually took care of themselves throughout their life. Is there any other group on this planet more annoying?
   • Nothing shows your kids how much you care for them then putting them in the car with you while you smoke while leaving the windows rolled up. Since they are going to be smoking with you anyway, why not have some family bonding time, save them the hassle and buy their cigarettes for them and share in the fun. Of course, they may not want to smoke Marlboro’s right out of the gate, so maybe you should start them with Menthols or some kind of kid-friendly flavored cigarette.
   • There are over a billion smokers in the world…keep that population growing! Get your friends and smoke at the entrance to restaurants, amusement parks, and kid’s playgrounds. Spread the word! I don’t know if it’s the yellow teeth, the stained fingers, the emphysema radio voice, or just your sandpaper tongue, but smoking is such a turn on!
   • The typical smoker loses 25 years of their life, not to mention living with cancer, tumors, impotence, heart disease, respiratory disease. Nevermind that cigarettes are filled with Acetone, Cyanhydric Acid, Ammoniac, Toluene, Pyrene, Cadmium, DDT, and Vinyl Chloride. How bad can those chemicals be for you, REALLY?
5. Save the earth? WHATEVER! Just pollute the crap out of the environment! Someone who used to work for me once told me that the faster we pollute the earth, the quicker we will move into space. Forget about carbon emissions and fuel efficiency, just buy the most powerful, oversized mountain-moving off-road vehicle you can find to drive your kids to their after school activities, because nothing says I’m a dedicated parent like a military vehicle that gets 6 miles per gallon and blows black smoke out the exhaust (at least now that you removed the muffler).
6. Don’t believe what they say, alcohol IS good. Drugs ARE good. Cocaine, Speed, Heroine, 8-ball, LSD, Marijuana, live it up! Life is about experiencing the fullness of every moment right? Who cares if you can’t think clearly or you are having short term memory problems. Just give it a little time and you’ll be able to rely on what’s left of your long-term memory.
   • Cocaine can kill you by heart attack, overheating (hyperthermia), and brain damage. After taking even a low dose of cocaine, you are 24 times more likely than normal to have a heart attack…but who cares right? At this stage does it REALLY matter? In fact, don’t trouble yourself with only illegal drugs, pharmaceutical drugs are even better in many cases. Did you know that prescription drugs kill 300% more Americans than Illegal drugs? (http://www.naturalnews.com/024765.html)
7. Don’t ever forgive, forgiveness is overrated. Be a total prick! There are more than enough nice people in this world; we need more total A-holes. Forget about kindness, compassion and empathy…live your life to total excess and treat those around you with all of the animosity you have to give. You are superior, so don’t be afraid to showcase your arrogance. Who cares if your outer shell is just an illusion, a front for your insecurity and fear…nobody will ever know!
8. 

   Bill Murray You Suck

   Don’t get involved! Don’t get educated, don’t vote, don’t connect to your higher self and for god’s sake and don’t contribute to society. Stay OUT of life and live off of welfare. Don’t bother with enlightenment; don’t even try to get a job, just stroll from place to place taking advantage of the hospitality of others, and the services provided by the government. It doesn’t matter if you CAN work, it just matters if you WANT to work, and let be serious…WHY BOTHER!

9. And lastly, if you really want to suck, follow the directions above with exacting precision. DON’T GIVE UP, stay persistent. Sucking first-class takes time and effort, focus and determination…so if you are really serious, you may want to stay off the drugs and the alcohol, keep your mind sharp by eating good foods and exercising, pray, and in the end, you will have defeated the entire purpose.,

4 Website Comments

• 
  anonTylerDurden June 19, 2009 at 8:17 am

  You are one step closer to hitting rock bottom, this list is actually an effective if rather unbalanced way to perceive the Dark Light of illumination, especially if that 10th step is any indication, a ruthless determination and persistence effort will get you unimaginable insights and power.
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  anonTylerDurden June 19, 2009 at 8:18 am

  Let me make an addition: This method would work best for those who are by all accounts Successful Winners at life.
• 
  Sheela June 24, 2009 at 10:39 pm

  Hi Sheela,

  Read the article and you will get over your blues…… Cheer up baby!

  Shriram
• 
  Alex G January 11, 2011 at 8:03 am

  so… this is basically a description on how to become an australian…..