How to Make College University as Hard and Painful as Possible

This time of year we begin to see so many lists and guides on how to succeed in college or university. Looking back, I thought this was a good time to present my list of the top ways to make your college or university experience as painful and challenging as possible. On top of that, and full disclosure, my son is getting ready to go to college (in a year) so I thought I would begin to vet my father-son pep talk 🙂

How to make College as Hard and Painful as possible:

1. Drag it out over as many years as possible. What’s the rush to get out in the world, only to get buried in responsibility? Take your time, especially if you aren’t the one paying for it…The world is YOUR oyster, take control, pace yourself!
2. Change majors as often as possible. Wait until you are almost ready to graduate, and then change your major to something entirely different. Buck the trend, be different…graduating in your late 20’s or even early 30’s is hot. (Lesson here: Try to pick a major and STICK WITH IT.)
3. Get married or have a child mid-semester. Nothing makes college more enjoyable than nursing one or even two children while taking classes, trying to stay on top of your homework, while working in an attempt to pay the bills. (Lesson here – if you can be patient, keep your pants on.)
4. Drink as much as humanly possible and ensure that you are numb to the realities around you. Cleanse your body and destroy your liver…you’re young, you’ll recover (maybe)!
5. Sleep during class. They don’t take roll, and this is the peak of your life…go out and party ALL NIGHT, because you can always sleep through Physics and catch up later (besides, Physics and Calculus are a total BREEZE!). If you cannot sleep inconspicuously, WEAR SUNGLASSES (trust me, nobody will know)…and if you need to play catch-up, there is always Adderall (amphetamine and dextroamphetamine), which you will easily be able to acquire on campus to help you fake energy and focus.
6. 

   College Life

   You are a superhero, don’t underestimate yourself. You can tackle a full-time workload AND manage a heavy work schedule. 20 credit hours a semester? 24 credit hours? Whatever it is, you can do it. (Lesson here – take on what is manageable and give yourself the greatest chance to succeed – see Stress Management and the Limits of the Human Psyche).

7. Go out of state for school. It doesn’t matter where you live and it doesn’t matter if you haven’t chosen your major yet…make sure to have your parents pay out of state tuition, especially when you’re taking care of your basic classes. Nothing says you care about college or university more than paying 3 or 4 times more for English 101, Algebra and basic Science. It doesn’t matter that the classes and curriculum are identical…help our economy by paying out of state tuition, and feel better about yourself. (Lesson here – if you want to go out of state for college, make sure it’s worth it. In the meantime you can get your basic classes out of the way for a fraction of the cost.)
8. Loans, Loans and more loans. This is the time to live it up, so get lots of credit cards and student loans to furnish your executive studio, because living large in college is the best way to remember your college experience for the rest of your life, especially when you get to make monthly loan payments on that debt FOREVER. If you don’t know where to get one of these classy perks of plastic…just be patient, you will be bombarded in no time. (Lesson here, BE FRUGAL. You will be tempted with every credit card and loan program under the sun…and unless you absolutely need it, avoid it as much as possible)
9. 

   College - Money Career Social

   Plagiarism, What? Cheat, oh yeah! Find the smartest boy or girl in your class and befriend them. Let them help you with your homework (or pay them to do it for you), and use that extra free time (reference item 3 and 4). If you cannot find someone, a posting on craig’s list should suffice to find someone more than competent who is looking to score a few bucks.

10. Technology is your friend! Put notes on your iphone, and record a WAV file with all of your test answers on it so that you can listen to it while you take your test. Lifting? Cheating? Whatever! – your University will appreciate you for being creative and independent. If they are smart, they will REWARD your initiative with scholarships and unlimited hall passes.

In all seriousness, your college or university experience is an essential and pivotal time in your life – give yourself the best chance to succeed. Stay engaged, keep everything in perspective, live frugally, and stay focused on your goal. As hard is it may feel at times, just keep moving forward and you will get through it. Don’t give up!

If you liked this post, you might also like the Top 10 Ways to SUCK in life.